August 18th, 2015
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3 Tips On Surviving HEALTH's Sinister New Album, DEATH MAGIC

See that massive, glistening, concrete slab of a man up there?  Wouldn’t you agree that he, in his colossal, scowling, Herculean glory, could whoop your ass?  I’m not gonna lie, that guy could sprint through the wall of my apartment, find me, rip me in half, and eat both halves of me like a two-part a carbo-load snack eaten right before hitting the gym.

That guy is the drummer for HEALTH, kind of (more on that later).  HEALTH’s latest album, DEATH MAGIC is a certainly a delicious nightmare to behold if you’re unfamiliar with the band’s signature gargantuan sound – a sound so eviscerating and terrifying that it MIGHT SCARE YOUR PUSSY FRIENDS AWAY.

HEALTH TAKE PRIDE IN HUMBLING YOU ON DEATH MAGIC

HEALTH wrecking your shit.

As such, if you plan to experience HEALTH’s new album to the fullest, you should be prepared. That’s why I generously concocted a flawless three-point-plan of advice, so that serfs like you could use when first gazing into the abyss that is DEATH MAGIC. Use it wisely if you want to make it out alive.

1.  Lose the “kandi,” there’s no fun to be had here

kandi

HEALTH is not EDM.  Sure, DEATH MAGIC, may, on occasion make you feel like dancing, what with its hurried pace and banging, life-or-death percussion section.  But there are no hula hoops or light sticks at a HEALTH show, only stacks of massive speakers pulverizing you, the lowly audience, into the ground.  Remember: you are not not here to have fun.  You have been warned: this is music that is best listened to alone, without interference from sweaty teenagers with dilated pupils or people hocking their pins and badges like some kind of colorblind Etsy merchant.

2.  Learn to embrace your inner-masochist

music

Forget “Earned It” and “Love Me Like You Do.”  THIS album should have been the soundtrack to Fifty Shades of Grey.  Self-inflicted pain has never sounded this good.  Often, the synthesizers and samples included on DEATH MAGIC will reach fever pitch, shattering any idea of an “eardrum” you thought you had.  Only then, as the blood coming from your ears begins its slow descent down the sides of your face, may you find that the thick, dark liquid’s southward journey towards your chin has become impeded by your own teeth.  Yes, because you are smiling.  Your body accepts what is happening to it as torture – but now, thanks to HEATH, your body enjoys torture..

3.  Prepare to lose your sanity

facemelt

DEATH MAGIC is the musical equivalent of H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulu, the gigantic ancient entity who ultimately controls the fate of our pathetic planet.  Like the great Old One, DEATH MAGIC is unfathomable in size to the human mind.  When listening to this album, our small ears can only hear the tip of the proverbial iceberg, while the true evil of DEATH MAGIC lies still, under layers and layers of mystery, beneath.  Only a few, highly trained listeners may glimpse behind the shade of noise and darkness to discover what horror truly lurks therein: (SPOILER ALERT): an upbeat, almost jubilant brand of familiar pop rhythm and song structure.  The very idea of pop music being the “man behind the curtain” on DEATH MAGIC is enough to make your face melt by sheer madness.  More terrifying than anything you could ever have expected, I know.

 

For those of you left hopeless and wanting in the wake of Kanye West’s similarly ass-whooping Yeezus, DEATH MAGIC is just what the doctor ordered.  It’s awe-inspiring, UNFORGIVING, and it’ll put the fear of God into your heart.  Just like the terrible Tyrannosaurs Rex.  It’s out right now on Loma Vista, and you can stream it on Spotify below.  While you’re down there, also take a look at the “STONEFIST” video, mentioned above.  Remember the super-buff dude?  Well, that’s what the drummer of the band would presumably look like after going under the knife for a big episode of “Botched”.  But, viewer, beware, YOU’RE IN FOR A SCARE.  The video is pretty NSFW, and if I were you, I’d stay away if I just ate a big meal.