April 15th, 2016

Though there are many ways to enjoy a festival of Coachella’s monstrous proportion, many can agree that something like this is best experienced alongside the company of ride-or-die homies that constitute one’s own unique squad. Yes, there is something divinely enchanting about bouncing around to some amazing music whilst battling fits of heat stroke with your best friends in the desert. However, staying squaded is not as easy as it sounds when phones are on the fritz and powerful drugs are kicking in. Luckily, creative festival goers have conceived a hilarious solution for staying close to and/or locating the one’s you love when human traffic resembles the godforsaken 405 on a Friday evening.

The answer is the Festival Totem; a large prop, flag, or cardboard face that can fly high in the air for wandering souls to spot out of a crowd. Many find them helpful and funny… others think they’re annoying and in-the-way. But that’s not going to stop squads from all over the world from coming out to the Polo Fields equipped with this helpful tool.


Personally, we don’t give two shits as long as you shade us with your totem intermittently. Baby’s predisposed to the carcinomas.

Here are five totems that are no doubt going to block your view of LCD Soundsystem at Coachella this year.

1.A’suh Dude

Over-quoted by bros and middle aged parents trying to appear relevant? Sure … but you can’t sit there and tell me you wouldn’t laugh if you were in the middle of getting your mind blown by LCD Soundsystem and turn around to see this fucking dude blown up to ridiculous proportions floating above the crowd.


2.Donald Trump
Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump reacts as he speaks at the 2015 FreedomFest in Las Vegas, Nevada July 11, 2015. REUTERS/L.E. Baskow/Las Vegas Sun - RTX1K10O

Perhaps the most recognizably punch-able face in the world, there’s  no doubt some sick trolling soul will hoist up a giant Trump head into the sky, consequently placing the fear of god into your heart while you’re tripping balls on mushrooms.

3. Crying Michael Jordan

One of the heaviest hitters of 2015/16 as far as meme’s go. It’s just perfect. And can describe a number of emotions one may be feeling during one of the biggest festivals in the world.


4. Jaw Drop Kid from Australia’s Got Talent Promo

Just look at it. How god damn funny would it be to raise this motherfucking guy over a giant crowd during some super heavy bass drop at the Sahara tent? Very funny is the answer.

5.Feel the Bern


Placed just three hours outside of one of the nation’s biggest liberal hot spots, it would only make sense to see the pretty face of Bernie Sanders shining high and mighty for the passionate youth vote to see. Not to mention the all-too-relevant slogan irony … considering most people are feeling the burn so bad their skin is bubbling and blistering into little cancers.