May 4th, 2015
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Hi, I’m Cameron, and I’m a comic book geek (“Hi Cameron”).

After recently subjecting myself to 28+ hours of Marvel movies as if I were in a scene from A Clockwork Orange, comic book movies have been on my mind quite a bit as of late.

One trailer in has really got my attention: the one for Batman vs Superman. It didn’t get the most positive reviews from fans when it debuted online; nerds everywhere were rage-shitting themselves because it was so bleak and depressing, but I didn’t see it that way. I, for one, am looking forward to the face-off, however much of an advertisement for Zoloft it may be. And, like any good geek, I’ve already chosen sides.

My money’s on Batman.

See, when two heroes meet for the first time in comics, a fight over a misunderstanding always ends up happening. And usually it’s a pretty even match. Plus, with the added gloom and grit of director Zack Snyder’s dark tastes, we all know it’s going to be a legendary tiff that you watch with your face all screwed up weird because you don’t know whether to cry or cheer. But Batman is the goddamn Batman. He’s going to win. Don’t even argue with me.

How did I reach this conclusion? Well, obviously by pitting them against each other in a series of mundane, imaginary battles.

Let’s discuss.

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Challenge #1: The Ladies

Superman is a one-woman kind of guy, despite keeping a huge secret that he’s an alien from the love of his life for several years. And when you think about it, it’s probably a good idea for him to be a one-woman kind of guy instead of dating around. If he accidentally loses control of his superhuman strength in the bedroom, there would be a lot of female corpses with shattered pelvises turning up around Metropolis. Batman on the other hand is a billionaire playboy who has no problem attracting the high-class escorts ladies. He’s handsome, rich, and has a mysterious dark side. Bruce is the kind of guy you’d encounter at an Eyes Wide Shut event. Clark would be found on FarmersOnly.com because he likes his women simple and plain.

batman-loves-arbys-roast-beefChallenge #2: Sandwich Making

While Batman is used to Alfred fixing him sandwiches, he would definitely still win in this contest. Bruce is one of the smartest people in the DC Universe and a cunning strategist, so his knowledge and planning would help him in devising the perfect sandwich. He would make sure the initial bite would consist of a symphony of flavors to arouse the taste buds, leaving the masticator in a coma of happiness. Plus his utility belt would be fully-stocked with different meats, cheeses, and condiments. Superman would go for the All-American angle, making something like a ham & cheese on white bread. Sure it would be super, but nothing special.

Challenge #3: Rock, Paper, Scissors

Since Batman plans 12-steps ahead, he’ll already know that Superman will be throwing down rock. Batman will go for paper. Superman will try to use his super speed to cheat and change his move at the last minute, but Batman will call him out on it, using frame-by-frame imagery from his satellite in orbit.

Challenge #4: Video Games

The game, Injustice: Gods Among Us. Batman plays as Superman, Superman plays as Batman. Already knowing every combo from Street Fighter, Mortal Combat, and Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!, Batman will discover out every possible combo within the first 15-seconds of playing, then excel at kicking his own ass. Superman, not one to play video games, will slowly become frustrated and attempt button smashing as a last resort, and instead actually smash the controller with his grip. Broken controller is an automatic disqualification, but it won’t matter: Batman beat him one second prior.

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Challenge #5: Yo Mama Jokes

Superman will approach the jokes as friendly banter, with the same sense of humor found on a popsicle stick. “Hey Batman, yo mama’s so nice that she always says ‘please,’ and ‘thank you,’ and is very punctual.” Batman wouldn’t hold any punches. “Hey Superman, yo mama’s so dead, not even her ashes remain because your entire planet blew up.” Then Superman would start to cry. Out of frustration, he’d remind Batman that his parents are dead as well. Batman would then shed a tear, and both grown men would embrace each other, crying their eyes out. No one wins this round. No one.

It’s the ultimate Sophie’s Choice, this one, but all I can say is I hope the health insurance Krypton offers its strapping young ex-pats is sufficiently prepared to treat kicked asses. Batman forever.

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