May 19th, 2015


Hatfields vs McCoys. SeaWorld vs Free Willy. Drake vs Diddy. All bloody conflicts in their own right, but today, I’m proud to announce that one of these age old rivalries has finally been put to rest, and it’s not the whale one (It never is. I never get to write about whales).

You see, I’ve been looking forward to the day when I can sit my grandson on my knee and smile as he asks me “Pop-pop, where were you when Drake and Diddy squashed their beef?”

As my robot pours me another mint julep and my Amazon drone changes my adult diaper, I’ll look down at this multi-ethnic child wearing glows ticks with WiFi literally coming out of his head, wipe away a single tear of joy from my weathered cheeks, and try to describe the feeling of euphoria that overcame cha boi when I heard the news that two mortal enemies became a pair of lifelong friends.

Of course, as is always the case, the news came from highly respected media outlet TMZ, who sent out carrier pigeons to each of the five kingdoms declaring that the two titans of hippity-hop have put their beef in the freezer.

What happened was this: Drake called Puff Daddy (on the phone) and was like “Hey, let’s stop fighting” and then they stopped fighting.

That’s it. That’s how they solved things. Millennia of conflict and fighting put to rest with a single phone call.

Of course, in explaining this resolution to my child/modem, I’ll inevitably have to give some background. I’ll say this:

It all started at DJ Khaled‘s birthday party, sonny boy.

Legend goes that outside the Miami club where Khaled was hosting the party, Diddy started throwing some shade at Drake over his use of the “0 to 1oo” beat. Puffington Daddy was apparently going to use the same beat for a track of his, but Drake recorded the song on his own and it did well, which pissed Diddy off.

Drake said some shit like “YOLO with my woes,” about it Diddy dislocated the Canadian actor’s shoulder, prompting Drake to crawl back to that overly-emotional hole he slithered out of after Degrassi got taken off the air.

Since then, violence has swept the nation, and the feud has become inexorably ingrained in the collective unconscious of the country. Many of us were left to ask “When will it all stop? When will I be able to listen to Diddy to amp me for the party, then listen to Drake while I measure my thigh gap with a chicken wing?”

Well America, that day has finally arrived.

Go forth, dear reader, and breath the sweet air of freedom. Smell the smell of peace, know that the future is ever brighter, and keep your eyes peeled for a collab album from the two, tentatively titled “Ciroc the Throne.”