July 9th, 2015
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cop car kids

In the movie Cop Car, one of life’s burning questions is answered: What happens when you steal from Kevin Bacon? No man has been brave enough to find out … but no one said anything about two little punk-ass kids.

After coming across an abandoned cop car in the middle of nowhere, the two aforementioned boys go on the joy ride of a lifetime that goes downhill riiiight quick after baddass motherfucker Kevin Bacon comes a-knockin’, “asking nicely” for his car back. Let’s just say being grounded is the least of their worries now.

Cop Car Kevin Bacon

In honor of the film’s screening at Next Fest on August 2 at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, we asked our staff to relive their shitty childhood moments and share the worst things they got caught doing. We’re all just a bunch of cool kids, obviously.

Franki (The Don)

In Junior High School a neighborhood friend and I went on a big vandalism stint terrorizing our neighborhood on a nightly basis. Nothing was safe, Christmas decorations, Halloween pumpkins, windows, cars, you name it. We literally would go out every night breaking as much stuff as we possibly could.

Eventually that got boring and we decided we should start collecting people’s hood ornaments. We lived next to our Junior High, so once we ran out of cars in the neighborhood we began to dare each other to attack the cars parked at the school. During the day we conspired to figure out which vehicle belonged to the teachers we disliked the most and then at night we would sneak up during the basketball games and raid their cars. We ended up stealing the math teachers, guidance counselor, gym coach and the principals! Of course since we were dumb shits we decided it would be funny to bring the hood ornaments to school to showoff to our friends. Eventually some teachers got wind of it, searched our lockers and we got in a whole shitload of trouble!

Still stole my principle’s hood ornament though. His name was Mr. Rambo.

 

Isabelle (Editor-in-Chief of something)

The year was 2005 or possibly 2008. I was some age that was too young to be drinking grain alcohol, but fake IDs were easy to come by and I used mine to acquire a handle of vodka that was so big it could have gotten the entire country of Myanmar blowing 0.05s . The purpose of such a monumental volume was to share it with my myriad punk-ass friends because  back then, booze was friendship currency. But, to anyone who say, rummaged through my desk where I had hid it, it would seem like I had hid it here for personal use. Mere minutes later after I brought it in, by some miraculous act of God, my mom waltzed straight into my room, opened up the desk drawer, fumbled around for something, and pulled it out. There was a beat of silence as I shit my pants before she turned to me and said “WHATTHEFUCKISTHISAREYOUATEENAGEALCOHOLICWHYAREYOUDOINGTHISWHYYYYYYYY.”

I tried pathetically to explain that I had that much booze so I could “share it,” but to no avail; the woman thought I’d been pickling my own personal liver with daily bloody marys and dry martinis for the majority of my sophomore year. She insta-grounded me … then later than night I slept-walked and opened the windows and my plural kitties got out. We found one.

Ten years later, I drive a 2005 Ford Escape and have developed an intricate system to evade paying taxes on my $600 paychecks, so who’s the boss now?

 

 Eric (Intrepid Intern who now has dirt on everyone)

When I was growing up, me and my little brother Alex were little shits to each other. Everything we did we did was to prove how alpha we were so childhood was basically a battle royale. This one time we were on the treadmill doing our best Usain Bolt impressions and when it came time for his turn I sneakily hijacked the treadmill and cranked that shit up to hyperspeed and he absolutely ate it (I might have regretted it a little bit at the time). Next thing you know my mom’s whooping my ass with the feather duster and then sent me to bed…but the childhood competition continued. I’m 22 now and we still argue over who eventually won…

 

Joanna (Marketing Sailor Scout)

One time, I ate a whole pineapple upside down cake. My parents grounded me to save me from myself.

 

Jackson (Mediocre intern)

When I was 14, I went down to Hollywood boulevard with my buddies and purchased a bunch of satanic looking metal band t-shirts and patches for my denim vest. We’re talking pentagrams, baphomet, deformed demon babies, the whole 9. Upon returning home from school the next day my mom had ransacked my closet and confiscated all of my new shirts and stripped my vest completely clean. After hours of arguing trying defend my self expression, I was grounded for a few days and told I couldn’t play in my band anymore. Many alkaline tears were shed that day, but no one could take away my angsty pre-teen metal head spirit from me.

 

Peggy (The office dog)

I killed a man.

 

Gavin Turek (1NFINITY artist)

[Too terrifying, story redacted, involves spanking].

Make sure to check out Cop Car at Next Fest on August 2nd at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery! Peep the trailer below and get your tickets for the Next Fest screening here!

P.S. Think our stories are lame and you have a better one? PROVE IT and post in the comments!