May 13th, 2015
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thisguyisgonnakilldrake

Have you ever felt like something was just so floppy and cute and vulnerable that you wanted to kind of bite its head off, effectively ending its sad little life because keeping it alive in its adorable state would both simply and fatally overwhelm your brain’s pleasure centers?

NYU student Chris Cole has. He feels that way about Drake.

He feels that way so hard, in fact, that he made a short film about straight up murdering him. Sure enough, the  soda salesman/rapper/thespian/all-around softbody Aubrey “Drake” Graham himself is the focal point of Chris’ recent student film, which centers on a crazed fan who plans to kill the Canadian superstar in order to prevent his fall from fame. The idea of this is, of course, that if he takes Drake out of the game now, he won’t become a decrepit, talentless sack of garbage and the laughing stock of the music industry later on.

And it’s called … are you ready … “If You’re Reading This, It’s Too Late.” Ha ha, Chris, I see what you did there. You dog!

In the film, the narrator gushes gooey over Aubrey, calling him the “Lena Dunham of the rap game” and explaining how he’s not actually that soft, he’s just “emotionally intelligent.”  Riiiight. Also discussed: whether Drake will attend his Bar-Mitzvah (not looking good) and how gross it is to prefer another rapper that isn’t Drake.

This marks the biggest threat to Drake’s life since he was cast on Degrassi, but remember guys, somehow he made it out of there and became a prominent name in hip-hop and started selling Sprite, so there’s no telling how many lives Drake really has.

Check out the film below, which is now getting way way more press than any student film ever, and say a prayer for our boy Aubrey Graham because now there’s a film student somewhere out there trying to kill him. I guess that means he’s made it.