December 2nd, 2015
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top 5 star wars force awakens merch we don't need but buy anyway

I walked into a CVS a month back to buy my weekly fifth of Jim Beam, and found myself face-to-face with a purchasable life-sized Darth Vader. You know, just chilling – like I was back in 1999 again, before Episode I was released and tore Star Wars fans apart (I hate you, Jar Jar Binks).

But hey, the most anticipated event of the year, The Force Awakens, is finally coming in two weeks, and since Star Wars has been a cash cow since my parents were kids, the abundance of unnecessary (and weird as all hell) Star Wars merch is laughable and delightful and vital to my being. Plus … have you heard? It’s the holidays and Jesus’ birthday and he wants a Darth Vader doll.

Consider this a gift guide for your ultra-nerdy friends. Make sure they bring blankets when they camp out at the movies this time … BECAUSE IT’S -200 DEGREES IN SPACE WHERE THERE’S STARS AND WARS.

1) Star Wars Ice Cream

star wars ice cream

 

Turns out the Dark Side has ice cream instead of cookies, even though they said they have cookies.

star wars cookies

Ample Hills Creamery has decided to take a stab at a Star Wars-themed ice cream. There are two variations to represent the dark and light side, but confusingly none to represent Chewbacca. Naturally, one is a decadent chocolate flavor for Dark Side sinners and their decadent hedonism, while the other is a light, airy marshmellow-flavored treat for the Light Side. Sounds delicious. That ice cream is my father.

2) Star Wars Makeup

star wars cover girl makeup

The visual effects in the films are probably the best and most engaging bit about the franchise, right? At least that’s what I think Covergirl thought when they decided to release Star Wars-themed makeup accessories in anticipation of the new film’s release. It’s a little lazy; the approach looks like they grabbed a random lipstick and slapped a “Star Wars” sticker on it so you won’t end up looking like Natalie Portman‘s version of Padmé Amidala — but hey, whatever works. Space chola is my new look.

3) Star Wars Watches

star wars nixon watch

As a kid, nothing excited me more than opening up my Burger King kid’s meal and finding a cheap novelty watch for whatever was trending that month. Franchise-themed watches aren’t very surprisingthough – OH, unless you’re iconic watch brand Nixon and are selling Darth Vader watches for $250 a pop. Okay, not bad for a watch… But then there’s Devon, who’s selling a Star Wars watch (allegedly using aerospace industry parts) at $28000. Pre-order deposits start at $2,500. Kill me.

4) Star Wars Breakfast

star wars darth vader toaster

Bed, Bath, and Beyond, what the hell are you doing to me!!! There’s absolutely no reason why I need pieces of bread with the Star Wars logo branded on – except for, maybe selling it on eBay like evangelists and convincing people to buy it because the FORCE IS REALLY REAL, MAN.

5) Awesome FUCKING MILLENNIUM FALCON COCKPIT-INSPIRED BED

star wars bed

While half of the exploitative merch that this movie has created makes me feel a little icky … I can honest to god get behind Pottery Barn‘s masterpiece of a twin bed. Look at it. No, I’m not 12. I don’t care. Santa Claus, baby Jesus, whoever-the-mascot-is-for-Kwanzaa … Please grant me this for Christmas. I DON’T ASK FOR MUCH.

The Force Awakens is out in a little over two weeks. I would tell you to watch it, but this movie doesn’t need more promo. Just save me a seat, guys.