Whether or not he was the first one to do it, Christopher Nolan’s Batman films reached such a critical level of success that it has now become commonplace to do a dark, gritty, R-rated reboot of an old franchise.
So, it’s fitting that Joseph Kahn (dir. Torque) and Adi Shankar (prod. Dredd) recently teamed up to Nolan-ize The Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. What emerged was a very high production value, cocaine fueled, violent short film starring James Van Der Beek and Katee Sackhoff in which all the Rangers die … except Tommy, who has clearly gone rogue anyway.
The new update is so gloriously unsuitable for virgin eyes that we couldn’t help chronicling the ways in ways in which it bastardized the original for you … if only to show you that the Rangers are grown up now and you don’t have to feel nearly as much shame for wanting to sleep with the pink one and blow lines with the red one. They’re of age.
And plus, IHC has a history with the Rangers anyway: not only are we patrons of all things nerdy, we also DJ-ed their 20th Anniversary Celebration at the Toy Art Gallery back in ’13. We got so much love from all the fans at that event that we’ve sat on our hands ever since, waiting for the right moment to throw some more attention back at our fellow PR groupies. Finally, the moment has arrived.
Let’s watch this explosion of post-adolescent rebellion, shall we? Screw you, mom!
Okay, now you see what we’re talking about. Now, here are all the horrifying ways this video is different from the O.G.
1. They do the cocaine drugz now
You’d hope that all that time in high school busting up crime would’ve served as the ultimate D.A.R.E. program – “first it’s one puff on a marijuana cigarette, next thing you know you’re wiping Ivan Ooze’s ooze off your hands for $20.”
But, alas, an adolescence filled with violence and alter-egos left an emotional void in some of the rangers that only a ride on the white stallion can fill. The stereotype-busters over here at IHC wonder why it has to be the Black Ranger who’s getting into the coke-fueled threesomes – why couldn’t it be me? – but one thing’s clear: their days filming PSAs are loooong gone.
2. Rocky hits women now. You’re an asshole, Rocky.
Rocky had an inferiority complex since day one. He was the second Red Ranger. A replacement. A scab. We knew it, and he knew it. When Jason was the original Red, he was boss hog: he ran the squad. As Jonah Hill famously put it: “sick chicks, killer steez.” But then Tommy shows up and goes from Green to White, and suddenly The White Guy is in charge and being Red Ranger equates zero street cred.
Maybe he made a move on Kimberly, “Come on boo, I can be your new red man”, but she snubs him. He start hittin’ bumps with the Black Ranger, stops going to therapy, etc.
Next thing we know, he’s got the Pink Ranger chained to a chair and he’s punching her in the face. It’s like Rocky mighty-morphed himself right back into the 50’s. What. The. Fuck. Rocky.
To make this impossible situation even more harrowing, chronicle the rise and fall of Rocky DeSantos in this informative video … it’s set ever-so-fittingly set to Blur, so there’s that.
3. Rocky had another secret life… as Dawson Leery
Not only did the Red Ranger need to lie to keep his whole “intergalactic crime-stopper” identity secret from the general student body of Angel Grove High, he apparently lived an additional life as Dawson from Dawson’s Creek.
What’s interesting is that he was equally lame over at The Creek: platonically having sleepovers with the girl next door, watching movies, talking about their feelings? Come on man, are we supposed to love you and watch Clueless together or throw you in the slammer with a guy named Bubba? So confusing …
4. Pink and Red finally got down
Oh yeah – they banged and it looked like a Hallmark Valentine’s Day card.
The age old question of whether Kimberly would choose Jason or Tommy, a question that kept me in a state of tension, confusion, and sexual frustration until I was, like, 21 (uhhh… what?) has finally been answered. The mystique and moral flip-floppiness of the Green/White Ranger, or the boy-next-door charm of the Red? The original MMPR saw the Kimberly/Tommy thing climax with them kissing, but she leaves and pursues a career in gymnastics while he loses his powers, gains his powers, changes color, loses powers, blah blah blah. It wasn’t conclusive, and even as a child I needed to know more.
But in the new remake, Kimbo Pink apparently went with Jason “Red As The American Flag” Scott (as opposed to Rocky “Dawson’s Creek Domestic Violence” DeSantos), and they were married for a whopping eight hours before Jason got his ass shot up in his truck by Bulk & Skull, who were really just pissed off after having been the brunt of the joke during all of high school. Which leaves us with more questions:
Did they consummate? Is that also gonna get a high-def, 15-minute NSFW reboot? If not – WHY NOT?!? I NEED THIS.
5. The Black Ranger learned to speak Korean and released a set of Hip-Hop Kido exercise tapes
How the mighty have fallen…
I guess when you do so much blow that you don’t sleep (see the remake), you have a lot of free time, and A LOT of energy. So Zack donned a set of neon jumpers and turned his signature fighting style into a box set of VHS exercise tapes that would have then become a hipster’s wet dream fifteen years later.
Obviously, he teamed up with the Bell Biv Devoe’s producers for the soundtrack:
So … yeah. There you go. Everyone’s fucking, everyone’s doing drugs, everyone’s on HipHopKido. It’s like Coachella, only the Power Rangers are still probably older.