This weekend, rap trio and culture heroes Migos were all arrested at their show at Georgia Southern University’s “Spring Bling” party. Apparently the fuzz was out thick that day and had made two misdemeanor arrests before the show even began, so they were running a little hot-blooded. During Migos’ set, the police caught whiff of that marijuana smell coming from the rapper’s tour bus. Following the scent (good doggies), they searched the bus and found … drumroll please … a whole bunch of weed, cocaine, Oxycontin and codeine (colloquially: lean, sizzurp, purple drank, etc.). Also a handful of guns.
The trio and their whole squad left the stage halfway through the show after the cops shut it down, and they were promptly arrested for felony drug possession, felony possession of firearms in a school zone, carrying a firearm during the process of committing a felony, and a misdemeanor for “being way too turnt.” It’s like you can’t even party these days?
Per usual, the internet was immediately abuzz. Some were outraged, citing this as police profiling (shades of Bobby Shmurda), while others said that if you drop hit records about all the crimes you commit that you’re kinda asking for police attention. Both fair arguments.
But the real loser here is whatever event organizer at GSU decided to invite Migos to a school concert, which seems like an avoidable mistake in hindsight. Let it be known that we love Migos so very much, but … there’s a time and a place, and that timeplace is 104% not around Communications majors who just smoked their first bowl like three minutes ago. So help you, dear reader, avoid the same mistake that GSU made, we’ve compiled a short list of events which you probably shouldn’t have Migos attend. Safety over everything.
1. Jessica’s Bat Mitzvah
“Versace!”
Look, we understand that part of becoming an adult is drinking prescription cough syrup, slinging rock, and doing hoodrat things with your friends. But unless you want her reading her Torah portion wearing a Jesus piece (ironic) and throwing that ass in a circle for all the boys with braces to The Cha-Cha Slide, a Migos Bat Mitzvah is a no-no.
2. Soul Cycle
“I fux wit’ Kale heavy though”
Believe it or not, it’s hard to stay fit and healthy when you live the life of a trap king. There’s just not a lot of time for cardio. I don’t mean to exclude the trio from the chance to live a healthy lifestyle, but they’re going to hold the rest of the spin class back – and their commentary on how you look in yoga pants may be less than gentlemanly.
3. A posh New York Dog Wedding
“I’m drinkin on lean, she poppin a Xan” – Quavo
Speaking from firsthand experience: if you’re ever visiting some friends in the Upper East Side and you’re thinking to yourself “I have this posh dog wedding to go to later for my friend from the investment bureau, but I don’t know what to do with my +1…. Who do I invite?”
DON’T INVITE MIGOS.
Unless that dog can handle her cough syrup like a pro, she will almost certainly get way too faded, say something ignorant to the groom who will bail to hit the strip club with his boys, throw up on her doggy dress, and then die.
4. Your weekly Game of Thrones viewing party
“Look hon, the dwarf is really ‘getting ratchet’ on that wine huh?”
The only thing Quavo loves more than some Khaleesi is a quiet, attentive viewing party – emphasis on quiet. It’s hard to get through the whole hour without asking if anyone liked the wolf-shaped cookies you baked special for the occasion, but again speaking from firsthand experience: never, ever talk over the Thrones if Quavo is there. He will be upset, and he will have guns.
5. Swinger’s potluck/orgy
Just try Googling “orgy” and see if you can get a better picture
You know how every rap song has at least one line about how the rapper has/will/is currently stealing your girl?
IT’S ALL TRUE.
Swinger’s parties are about spicing up your marriage and satisfying the urge to explore in a healthy, safe space where you know that your relationship will survive. Migos are not there to help you explore your sexuality. They’re there to steal yo’ girl and humiliate you, and as she walks away from you forever, muttering to herself about how you don’t even have any bricks in the street, you’ll ask yourself over and over again through the tears “but Beth, why?!”
Because you invited Migos to your Swinger’s potluck orgy, you idiot.
