We sent our intrepid intern Jackson to Coachella Weekend 2 to review the happenings … which would have been a fine and dandy idea except most of what happened there defied the English language. So, in lieu of his ability to form words, he relayed his experience back to us in the universal anti-language: emojis.
So, for those who went to Coachella and can’t remember it because drugs, or for those whose Dad doesn’t own Bank of America, here are all the standout shows of Coachella Weekend 2, in emojis.
Day 1:
1. AC/DC
Translation:
If there’s one thing AC/DC proved headlining the first night of Coachella, its that old dudes can still RIP. The infamous four-piece came straight out the retirement home to give everybody exactly what they expected; giant stacks of Marshall amps, a little man prancing around stage in a schoolboy uniform shredding a guitar to bits, over-the-top production, and all the classic tunes. This was the #1 must-be spot for all Coachella dads in their Tommy Bahama shirts and Kengal hats rockin’ out with their pre-teen sons. The performance was awesome, but they lost hordes of youngin’s whilst trying to push their very uncomfortable and cringe-worthy new tracks on the crowd. C’mon AC/DC, just be happy with the 148 hits you had decades ago. You earned a couple “walker” emoji’s for that stunt.
2. Alesso
Translation:
After I couldn’t take anymore new AC/DC I was dragged to the Sahara tent, AKA the molly zombie graveyard, for a late night set from Euro party master, Alesso. This set was an absolute no-go (in my not-so-humble opinion), earning itself a big fat red cross out emoji. The crowd was filled with Coachella’s highest concentration of basic bitches and ‘roided bros in neon “yolo” tank-tops, fist pumping till their biceps nearly popped and deflated like a helium balloon. The whole set pretty much went like this: Long snare roll build-up, “Let’s fuckin’ party” vocal sample, followed by a UNTST UNTST UNTST drop with a confetti explosion, OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Bye.
3. Flying Lotus
Translation:
This wasn’t anywhere close to the first time I’ve seen Flylo perform, but it was easily the most intense. His futuristic jazz infused psychedelic hip hop smoothie chewed you up and spit you straight down to the fiery pits for one hell of a party. Mr. Ellison easily grabbed the crowds attention, dug his way into their brains, and drove the fear into them with his giant grim reaper waving his scythe over their heads (see progression of emoji faces). His visuals served as a glimpse into the future of projection technology and probably drove some kids who were on too much acid to the looney bin in the process. After the audience collectively shit their pants, he came out for a heart-warming speech and closed by bringing his lil’ homies from the “Never Catch Me” video out on stage for an incredible dance performance. Definitely earned a big rosy-cheeked smile emoji for that one.
4. Tame Impala
Translation:
I am awarding Tame Impala a cool dude with sunglasses emoji for being all-around BAD ASS this weekend. Kevin Parker and his neo-hippy band mates came out on the main stage to a roaring crowd of high expectations and successfully met each one. Tame was completely on-point with everything from effects, to visuals, to the off-beat time signatures, proving to a huge audience that they are true musicians and that they are here to stay. They not only rocked the crowd into space with their signature 60’s influenced psych-pop, but they also sent romance into the air with their new slow jam “I’m a Man” from their forthcoming album (i.e. the kissy lips).
5. Lykke Li
Translation:
Lykke Li hit me with an unexpected mind blower of a performance that instantly transformed me from a pleased listener into a life-long fan. She commanded the audience with her powerful stage presence, her dark, yet sparkly ambiance, and extremely catchy tunes that earned her a much deserved heart-filled eyes emoji. Simply an amazing set from the indie sweetheart this weekend.
6. The War on Drugs
Translation:
As the blazing desert sun began to set over the Coachella Valley, the War on Drugs hit the main stage for an absolutely beautiful performance. Not only did they look like straight bad asses out there on the black and white jumbo screens, they brought tears to peoples eyes with their heart-felt melodies, strung together as if they were one giant song. Time melted away as they rocked the stage for a much too short 50 minutes and left with the entire crowd standing in awe.
2. Ratatat
Translation:
The duo was awakened out of their mysterious slumber for yet another Coachella performance and delivered just what was expected from them. Ratatat shredded the living daylights out of several different instruments and flaunted their talent for the entire Sahara tent to see. Thus, they earn a lightning guitar for their heavy metal inspired electronic dance tunes. Although I enjoyed the performance, I did have to give them a corn emoji for being, well … a little corny. Maybe it just lost some of its magic from all the other great music I witnessed that day, but it seemed to be a bit over produced and show-offy for my liking.
3. Tycho
Translation:
When these guys hit the stage, they meant nothing but business … so naturally I awarded them the suit & tie emoji. Tycho’s full band delivered a mesmerizing set that put the crowd into a deep trance as they ripped right through without saying a word. The band made me feel as if I was a naked cherub baby floating away on a cotton candy cloud of bliss. Every member was right on target and didn’t seem to miss a beat the entire performance. Bravo.
4. Alt-J
Translation:
The notorious English four-piece followed up their 2013 Coachella set with a vengeance, and this time, on the main stage. Skeptical as to how well their new album would perform, I was extremely pleased and delighted by their incredibly clean, passionate performance. They had an uncanny ability to keep the crowd interested with their slow-burners and were able to drive them right into full blown explosions (hence the cigarette/boom emoji combo). I had to hail the band as kings of the modern day sound and award them a much-earned crown emoji.
5. Jungle
Translation:
Jungle hands down receives my award for the wildest dance party of Coachella. They were able to keep the entire crowd moving whether you were right up close and personal, or just caught walking by the entrance of the Mojave tent. The vibes were magical and the air was thick with moisture from sweaty boys and girls dropping it low to the modern day funky disco masters. Hands were clappin’ and booties were shakin’!
6. Alison Wonderland
Translation:
Alison Wonderland got on stage in the wee hours of the day and consistently dropped nothing but bombs and hammers on a bunch of drunk, sweaty Coachellians. She could have performed at any point in the day and kept the crowd dancing and dropping dem trap elbows.
Day 3:
1. Drake
Translation:
The King of the Radio took the main stage for Sunday’s grand finale and unfortunately, did not impress. After his disappointing weekend 1 performance, I really expected him to come out with more fire power, but sadly… he did not. He started out with a couple of bangers but really didn’t seem to be putting his heart and soul into his performance. Things livened up a bit when Nikki Minaj came out for her “surprise hug”… but quickly died off considering she did absolutely nothing … not even a quick twerk. Overall, it was a snoozer.
2. ODESZA
Translation:
Perhaps this years most hyped electronic duo, ODESZA, hit the Gobi tent for a very anticipated performance that ultimately fell short. The group had an impressive live set up, including a full marching band and a lot of instrumental work, but did not have their sound dialed in AT ALL. I was half way back in the tent and it sounded like I was listening from the inside of a Port-O-Potty. They had some really great tunes, but it was nearly impossible to vibe with it considering the complete lack of low end and the muffled vocals. Sorry guys, I was rooting for you.
3. Gesaffelstein
Translation:
Oh man, there are just not enough evil emoji’s to describe this dude. He appeared on stage for his final performance EVER amidst a cloud a smoke and dropped the beat like no ones ever dropped it before. The jam packed, sweaty crowd was instantly in full bounce as this scary, vampire of a DJ delivered his filthy, bottom of the gutter house music. He must have exited the stage, eaten a few groupies necks, and fallen straight into his coffin to slumber for another 200 years until he rises once again under a new moniker.
4. Jamie xx
Translation:
Jamie came out and did nothing but electrify the audience. I felt as if I had been reborn and plopped out of my egg as an enlightened being. He is an amazing DJ in every respect and absolutely killed his Sunday night Coachella performance. He gifted the crowd with his amazing blend of underground UK house and had his set fine-tuned like a god damn microscope. Absolute 100 emoji all day.
5. What So Not
Translation:
What So Not’s rise to fame was largely the result of the popularity of one half of the duo known as Flume. After he recently announced his separation from the group, the remaining member, Emoh Instead, seemed more than determined to prove himself worthy as a solo act….and he did just that. What So Not completely rocked a packed mid-day Sahara audience and deserves nothing but fire emoji’s all the way down. His mixing was on-point and had the crowd rowdy as a Charley Sheen on a crack fueled rampage.
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