“I am super serious.”
-W.F.F.
This week, Waka Flocka Flame announced that he was going to run for the office of President of the United States in 2016. When he announced on 4/20, we all giggled and went to the fridge and forgot about it. But as the sun rose on a well-rested world the morning of 4/21, it turned out that he was serious.
He’d mentioned this in a tweet two years ago, proclaiming “I’m dead ass running for president in 2016,” but Waka says a lot of things, so it’s understandable if this one flew under your radar.
But it’s real, and the presidential hopeful has already hit the streets, shaking hands and collecting signatures. His campaign is running on more practical policies than we’re used to seeing in an increasingly partisan political atmosphere, so some of you may be shocked by his bluntness (tee-hee), but the squad might be pleasantly surprised.
Since we know that most of you are too busy attending town hall meetings and volunteering down at the Y to actually watch his 4 minute announcement video, we consulted our top political corespondents and asked them to break down the five core issues that Mr. Flame presented. Read on, informed voter.
1. Legalize Marijuana, Unless You’re In School
We all saw this coming, but in his video announcement on 4/20 Flock immediately got his position on weed as he rolled up a Backwood of Presidential Kush. It will be legal, it will be plentiful. As his running partner DJ Whoo Kid said via video chat: “unlimited weed smoking.”
Unless, however, your grades are bad. Flock (who scored a 34 on his ACTs) is clear – “If your schoolwork getting too hard, don’t touch the blunt… Think about it, wait till you’re old enough.”
2. Big-ass Feet Can’t Walk In Public
Misallocation of concrete has been a very hot topic this campaign season, so the media was on pins and needles waiting to hear WFF’s plan: if your feet are over size 13, sadly you will no longer be able to walk in public. In a move that will surely boost the public transit infrastructure, people with colossal feet would be confined to trains, cabs, and buses because: “[Mr. Flocka Flame] don’t want to see your big ass feet taking all the space on the concrete.”
3. Education Reform
As the United States slips in the worldwide standings in basically everything, Wak had to come down hard on the issue: we need more trade schooling, more “reality skills.” However, he also wants to bolster schooling in the arts: “You gotta learn my lyrics. Otherwise you fucking fail and you gotta start from third grade all the way over again from twelfth.”
4. No More Dogs In Restaurants
“I don’t want to see no fucking animal in a restaurant ever again.”
Boom.
5. Women’s Respect Movement
“I feel like women got all the rights already, what else do they want?”
To Mr. Flame, it’s not a legal issue, but an issue of respect. What good are equal rights if we still don’t live as equals? And what conversation in the 2016 election on gender equality would be complete without addressing Democratic nominee Hilldog McClinton?
“She’s my only competition right now because the women love her. And she’s honest. And her husband is Bill, so… It’s a tough one. I hope I make it.”
So, America, where does this leave us? We can choose to repeat history, condemn ourselves to another four years of Congress and “laws” and a system that continues to fail us. Or we can follow the Xan Cru, throw hunnids, get rooster, and vote for Flock.
“Flock for President; shit’s going to be OK.”
