September 3rd, 2015

Relationship Goals: Wake The Neighbors By Having Sex To These 5 New Songs

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since moving in with my significant other, it’s that my neighbors truly are my worst enemies.  The social pressure our apartment’s thin walls have placed on our relationship is real.  I often feel like I can’t talk at my normal volume (11), I can’t eat anything louder than a cup of yogurt, and I constantly tip-toe around the small flat like some idiot from the Ministry of Silly Walks — for fear of pissing off the tenants below us.

Those big-eared bastards are always listening, silently judging me with their stillness.  So, in true butthurt fashion, I’ve determined that the best way to retaliate is to throw caution to the wind and have sex AS LOUD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.  And what better way to turn up in the bedroom than by breaking the headboard to some new monster dance tracks?

Make sure the neighbors know your name by getting your freak on to the five following “bangers.”

Pyramid Scheme & Ying Yang Twins – “Thundercat”

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Gil, aren’t those the same guys who made ‘The Whisper Song?’”  Yes, the Ying Yang Twins are known for one particularly hushed single, but on their new collab with recent Mad Decent signees, Pyramid Scheme, the Atlanta rappers are anything but quiet.  “Thundercat” (and its massive drop), will have you and your partner screaming for all to hear.

Madeaux – “Kill For Me”

Man, this track will make ’em jealous.  Newcomer Madeaux is set to drop his debut EP, New WAV, this week on Fool’s Gold, and the project’s first single, “Kill For Me” is a shining example of what’s to come.  The maximalist house number is chock full of cowbells and other strange metallic sounds, that’ll make your neighbors say, “Ugh.  I wish I got to use chains and clamps in the bed.”

Jayceeoh – “Turn Me Up Some” (JayKode Remix)

Open the blinds and let everyone in the complex see those ass cheeks, cause this fire bounce track was just made for twerking.  The JayKode remix of Jayceeoh’s “Turn Me Up Some” is grimey as hell, and features vocals from rapper Redman to boot.  Bonus points if your landlord’s applause syncs up to the song’s clap.

Van Exel – “Constellation X”

Alright, lovebirds, it’s intermission time.  You’re probably nice and sweaty at this point, so hop up off the bed (JK, who fucks on the bed?), turn on “Constellation X”, the title track from Van Exel’s latest EP, and grab a glass of water.  You’ve got approximately six minutes of glossy, futuristic beats to cool down to.  Once this jam fades to a close, throw those glasses at the wall to remind the neighbors that the big finale is starting.

Carmada – “On Fire” (feat. Maribelle)

Time to finish strong.  Turn your attention back to your partner and remind each other that over the course of the last four songs, you’ve raised your relationship to a new level, and that the perfect way to celebrate is to get E M O T I O N A L with each other.  Luckily, Aussie duo Carmada just signed to Skrillex’s OWSLA label, and their passionate take on dance music was literally made for that.  So turn the thermostat and the stereo waaaaay up, and put the sexy af “On Fire” on.  The time for knocking boots is over — you’re making love now.

The bad news is, “On Fire” is the last song on our list.  The good news, however: you got all that aggression towards your quiet-ass neighbors out, and your girlfriend(s)/boyfriend(s) just raised your status from “relationship” to “art form.”